Hey, Y'all! I don't usually do this, and this very well may be the one and only time it happens! I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings over the last couple weeks, and I just really wanted to share them with you. Feel free to ex out of this blog! I will not be offended. What I don't know can't hurt me! But if you feel led to read on, I hope that this can be a very encouraging read for you. So, with that being said, here's what I want to share. I'm struggling. Now, I in no way am acting like my life is so terrible. I have a great life! I'm incredibly thankful for the family and friends I have, and the memories I've been able to make with them in my 23 years of life! BUT like every human being, I still struggle with the things life throws at me. My struggles may be a lot different from yours. As a believer, I know God's eyes see our faults and failures the same and loves us, regardless, THE SAME. Isn't that amazing? It can be hard to share your struggles with a friend or family member, because they may not understand the workings of your heart. But how incredible is it that with God, he always knows and understands our hearts; even with our wordless groaning, he sees and hears our hurt. Right now, my husband and I are working towards adopting our first child. This is a dream of mine, and something I'm very passionate about. It may not make sense to you, and I'm slowly learning that, that's okay! It doesn't have to make sense to you. It some times doesn't even make sense to me! God doesn't tell us that every path He guides us through will make perfect sense to us while we're walking though it. He just tells us to trust Him. That's all that my husband and I are trying to do in this; trust Him and His plan for our lives. Which is easier said than done! When I think of adoption and I talk about our plans to adopt, I can't help but smile, and often start crying! I'm an emotional weirdo. I can't help it! Like I said before, this is my dream! Talking about "dreams" might sound childish to you. Yes, I'm that girl who grew up singing, "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." And I still do sing it at the top of my lungs! I'm thankful for my parents who encouraged me to dream big, and have Faith in God and His leading in my life. This isn't something that I just decided I wanted to do this year. God's been working on my heart since junior high, when my Aunt and Uncle adopted my two beautiful cousins. The first moment I met them, I LOVED them with all my heart, like I do my entire family, and the dream of adopting my own children some day stuck to my heart like glue. When I started dating Andrew, we talked about the possibility of adopting some day, and it's always been in our plans. I'm so glad to have found a partner whose dreams are a lot like my own. So here we are, working towards our Home Study. We're so happy and EXCITED! But I'm also nervous and scared. It's taken a lot longer to get things rolling than I thought it would. That's partly what I'm struggling with. Everyone tells you the waiting is hard, and I believed them... but now I'm really starting to understand just how hard it is. When the waiting seems long, and the tasks ahead seem impossible, it's easy to let negative thoughts and feelings creep in. Are we going to be able to do this? Will we be enough? What if, THIS. What if, THAT. My heart wants to listen to Jesus' words, "Fear not, just believe." (Mark 5:36) but so often I choose to listen to the lies Fear is feeding me. I read this quote in a book I'm reading and I want to share it with you. It says, "Since God intends to make you like Jesus, He will take you through the same experiences Jesus went through. That includes loneliness, temptation, stress, criticism, rejection, and many other problems." I read this and thought, why am I so surprised by the testing of my faith? I pray daily for God to make me more like Jesus, and yet, when the first sign of struggle comes, I revert back to my sinful nature. I completely understand Paul's frustration in Romans 7:15-20, where he says, "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do." This last week, it was hard to smile. Things didn't go my way, and I let myself get scared and become frustrated. I carried my burdens instead of giving them to God. Looking back at my worst points last week, it all seems so silly. I'm amazed at the patience God has with me. Every thing I could ever struggle with, He is the answer to. When I'm scared, He gives me courage. When I'm tired, He gives me rest. When I'm weak, He gives me strength. When I'm sad, He gives me joy. When I'm lonely, He gives me comfort. And on and on and on it goes. No matter the situation life throws at me, God isn't surprised. So why should I be? Last week, I let fear win. I gave in and let the struggles of life take over. I was sad. I was tired. I was frustrated. Who wants to live that way?! This week I'm reminding myself the TRUTH of my God to overcome the LIES of my fears. Ann Voskamp said it best, "The full life, the one spilling joy and peace, happens only as I come to trust the caress of the Lover who never burdens His children with shame or self condemnation, but keeps stroking the fears with gentle grace." Belief means "to put one's faith in; to trust." Belief is a VERB! Isn't joy worth the effort of trust? This week when it's hard to smile, I'll remind myself to, "Count it all joy, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.." These are some verses that have been a huge encouragement to me, and I hope they can help you, too! Psalm 34:8 Psalm 43:5 Isaiah 41:10 Lamentations 3:21-26 Romans 8:38 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Galatians 5:13-14 Philippians 4:6-9 1 Peter 4:12-16 1 John 3:16-18 Daily choosing to trust Him, Hannah P.S. Not really sure if all my thoughts really came together, but I felt like I needed to type them out anyway. :)
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